Sometimes life leaves you breathless one moment all is good and the next you’re on a path of self destruct questioning what lead up to this and how the signs were overlooked! Repeat behaviours: not believing that you are worthy of love, negative self-talk and leaning over to the whispers in your head “who do you think you are”, “did you really think you could”, “go back to where you came from” “look at them and look at you”.
I’ve spent so much time carefully building self confidence, nurturing wounds inflicted during childhood with careless words flung like bullets at my little child’s heart by callous adults. I admit that my past catches me from behind sometimes (as all cowardly acts do) and holds me in a deadly grip; I start to feel the life force seeping from me, losing passion for creativity, writing, travel even for friends; it’s almost as if an internal struggle between life and death takes place in my mind and it takes every cell in my body not to give up on me. Then I remember to look at fear, I remember to look at doubt, I remember to step back and look at failure and the reminders thereof as if they are people I no longer associate with or an old untrustworthy car I used to drive but now I fly. I remember that the words spoken to me and over me are reflected back and returned to sender. More importantly though, I remember to forgive because they did not know what they were doing. I remember that the most powerful weapon in my artillery is forgiveness and that includes forgiving myself. I love the word “grace”, it means forgiveness even when guilty and that is what I strive for. Healing comes one positive affirmation at a time, one good thought at a time like little petals that ultimately form a beautiful flower, like raindrops that swell into a powerful lake, moments of right choices add up into days that turn into lifestyle.
It’s a topic very close to my heart; I do not think that parents and family in general are aware of what deep wounds they inflect into a child when they say negative, discouraging things. I have not really found any one thing that heals but I have found a way to move on from a damaged soul and still be happy and that is to speak to myself lovingly each day almost as if I were a little girl again (not in a weird Twin Peaks kind of way … no weirdness) but just encourage and remind myself that all those people in my past, have the right to have been wrong.