Recently I listened to a documentary on Marilyn Monroe; one of the comments that came through repeatedly was that she had a huge amount of self doubt, did not trust her judgement and mostly relied on the opinions of others which of course led to a potluck of emosions and her running to and fro never sure who she was because she was so busy heeding others. Of course, beautiful Marilyn is no longer here and we cannot truly know this was really how she was – it’s after all, once again, just the opinions of others who claim to have known her.
I had a very caring and loving Mum she was, however, extremely dominating. From choosing clothes, boyfriends etc. to going out, those were decisions at the age of 23, I was not allowed to make, when I did and they were wrong all hell broke loose. I felt inadequate, numb – not able to trust my choices so I let others do it for me assuming that I would be wrong anyway. There is such a danger in that. The inner compass gets lost and one never learns to trust yourself. Yes, that does entail making mistakes, taking responsibility and not expecting others to clean up after you. I’ve painfully discovered that making wrong decisions is part of life and a very essential ingredient to personal growth. There have been times when I’ve hesitated, fearful of risk, failure or moving forward – it equated to nothing but stagnation. Sometimes, someone else came along and stole my idea because I hesitated too long and that is particularly frustrating. Whether it’s being creative, a business venture, a relationship of course, be smart, listen to a very selective few who are knowledgeable that’s vital but never lose the ability to hear your own voice, know your own passion, feel your own heart beat. It takes time and self training and improves when one starts to declutter people, stuff, too many opinions and move away from the noise.